Why working with a personal trainer immediately makes me flash back to Kindergarten.
(50 years ago) Miss Morgan: Good morning, Terri! You look so nice today, your hair is very pretty!
Me: (Seriously? Sunday morning my mother cut my bangs with pinking shears. I can’t stand it any more! she said. Where are the scissors? Ah, pinking shears will do….)
(Now) Cheryl: Terrrieeeeeee! Good morning! Hey, did you get your hair done?
Me: (Seriously, Sunday morning I cut my bangs with pinking shears. Couldn’t stand them anymore. Couldn’t find the damn scissors but figured pinking shears would be fine. Don’t know where I ever got that idea.)
Miss Morgan: Look! We got a new workbook, everyone! (happy smiles)
Me: (What the? What’s this? Counting 1 to 100? What is this word, 100? Doesn’t it all end at 10? Who needs anything past 10?! I ONLY HAVE 10 FINGERS.)
Cheryl: Look! I got a new medicine ball! It weighs 87 pounds! (happy smile, bouncing 87 pound medicine ball. Photos fall off wall.)
Terri: (WTF? What’s this? 87 pound medicine ball? If it weighs 87 pounds it needs medicine. Who needs 87 pounds? I ONLY HAVE 10 FINGERS!)
Miss Morgan: Ok, kids, time for snacks. Terri, are you eating your snack and juice?
Me: (mmmuffffff yeff ma’am, fank you, spewing cracker crumbs and spilling juice down my shirt)
Cheryl: Terri, did you eat breakfast? Do you need a powerbar?
Me: (mmmmffff yeff, fank you, spewing powerbar crumbs and spilling gatorade down my shirt)
Miss Morgan: Class, today we are going say our entire ABC’s! Have you been practicing? Terri, can you say your ABC’s?
Me: (ah, uh-oh. Yes, ma’am. ABCD…XQYZ!)
Cheryl: Terri, do you think you can do 15 reps on this?
Me: (ah, f*ck me, no. You betcha! 1-2-3……thiiiiiiiirteeeeen *gasp* fouuuuuuuurttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen….*gasp*….fift face plant.)
Miss Morgan: (on the playground) Terri! that’s great, you can jump rope!
Me: (immediately miss the jump, wrap self completely in jump rope and fall over like a calf in a rodeo.)
Cheryl: Terri, that’s great, you can jump rope! We’re going to incorporate that into a workout!
Me: (immediately miss the jump and wrap self completely in jump rope, falling over like a rodeo calf.)
Miss Morgan – Story Time
Kid in Front of Me: talktalktalk
Me: Shut UP!
Miss Morgan: Kid and Terri, if you can’t listen during Story Time, you can sit yourselves in the corner.
Me: (didn’t tell my mother I got sat in the corner until I was 23 years old)
Cheryl wins by a point.