A Runner’s (Completely Non-PC) Guide to Vehicles and Accompanying Danger Levels
1. If you’re running to tunes, use only one bud and keep the volume low.
2. Run facing oncoming traffic.
3. Look into the front window and see if the driver sees you.
BUSINESS MAN IN $80,000 SUV: Wearing an uber-starched button down, yelling at his broker on his hand held while listening to the market reports on XM radio, this man does not see you. Not only does he not see you, but if he did see you, he wouldn’t see you. You are a Little People. Kinda like Leprechauns. Without the pot of gold. Danger Level: 10+. Stand quietly at the side of the road and let the Emperor pass.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS IN PICKUP TRUCK: Female under 300 pounds: Danger Level: -10 (unless, while they are driving 5 mph passing you to look at your butt, Business Man plows into their rear-end because he didn’t see them.) Male of any weight: I have no idea. You’re on your own.
ELDERLY PERSON WITH WHITE HAIR IN WHITE MID-SIZED CAR OF INDETERMINATE MAKE OR MODEL: With the driver’s seat scooted 6″ from the steering wheel and peering myopically through the windshield, this driver may or may not see you. If they do see you all they know is you are one of those idiots that run around the neighborhood with nearly no clothes on and why don’t you go home, get dressed and read the paper. And maybe you need to get a job, too. Danger Level: 5. Fairly innocuous unless they are also trying to drink coffee.
DUDE IN OLD SUBARU: Having finished his breakfast of organic cereal in soy milk accompanied by a hand-thrown ceramic mug of free trade coffee, this guy is mellow yellow tooling off to his job at the bike shop, waving at you, you fellow outdoor sports-person type, we’re cool, nice Sock Monkey Hat. DANGER LEVEL: 0 too bad you can’t stop and talk, it would be fun to compare running trails.
MOM IN ANY TYPE SUV AND/OR MINIVAN: This woman is operating on 2 hours sleep. Informed at 8pm by the 6th grader that HE HAS TO HAVE A 3-D MAP OF THE WORLD FOR GEOGRAPHY CLASS TOMORROW she spent the next four hours making flour and salt modeling clay and dyeing it 12 colors. Shortly after midnight the 3 year old began throwing up at 14 minute intervals. At 7:13am, two minutes before she needs to depart for carpool, the 2nd grader announces, sobbing, I HAFTA HAVE A WHITE T-SHIRT FOR ART CLASS THIS MORNING. Hubby left at 6:30am for a very important teleconference, so sorry, hon, thanks for making the coffee. DANGER LEVEL: 10++++ CLIMB A TREE AND WAIT IN SAFETY UNTIL SHE PASSES
DEER IN NEIGHBOR’S FRONT YARD: Little baby deer: “MOMMY! What is THAT??” Mother Deer: “RUN LITTLE BABY DEER OF MINE, RUN! IT’S A CRAZY NUTJOB RUNNER!” DANGER LEVEL: HUMANS: 0 DEER: 10,000