If I were a month I would be any month but January.
I think being January would be kinda like being the kid in 5th grade whose mom wouldn’t let them shave their legs and made them still wear bobby socks with their Keds and wouldn’t buy them a bra because why would you spend good money on something you don’t need? Not that I know what that would be like. I’m just guessing. From books I read. About nerds like Harry Potter.
No one looks forward to January except moms, and that’s only because the winter holidays are finally over thank gawd and the kids are going back to school. No one runs around shouting YAY! January! Picnics! Vacations! Holidays! The only holiday in January is Martin Luther King Day, and no offense to a great man but do you want the only famous day in your month to be a dead guy? February – which has the same identical crappy weather as January – at least gets Valentine’s Day. And the Super Bowl. Even the Super Bowl doesn’t like January.
If January were a color it would be grey. Steel grey, molten grey, heather grey, blue grey, grey grey. The trees are kinda grey, even the last few dead leaves are brown grey, hanging there, taunting homeowners, “Nanner Nanner I’m not going to fall! HAHAHAHA! Rake those other leaves! Shake your fist at me! I’m not leaving!” Not that I ever feel that way, that leaves are taunting me.
January has about 6 hours of daylight per day. Sure, ‘they’ say the shortest day is in December (SEE? January doesn’t get that, either) but – and who are ‘they’ anyway? Did you ever see a picture of ‘they’? Where do ‘they’ live? Who put ‘they’ in charge? Huh? – but anyway I’d like to see anyone prove it. It’s dark when I get up, it’s dark when I get dressed, it’s still dark when I make coffee. It’s dark in the afternoon and every day I think, OMGosh where did the time go I have to make dinner it must be 6pm and it’s only 4:20. And there I was all panicked because maybe I thought I’d been playing that crossword game for four hours but really it was only 1-1/2 hours and it’s not 6pm yet so I still have time to make dinner before the hubs thinks I’m a slug. Not that I actually play crossword games for four hours. I’m just guessing that some people do.
I feel sorry for January. Probably what happened when God decided to make months is that during Story Time January was just sitting there minding it’s own business when suddenly the kid in front of him was like talktalktalk and January said Hush, and the kid said talktalktalk and January said Be Quiet, and the kid said talktalktalk and January said HUSH up! and then the teacher made January sit in the corner for talking. So that made January late and it was last in line and that was the only month left by then. And January probably didn’t tell his mom he got set in the corner until he was like 23 years old. Altho I’m just guessing.
Also January is the month that all the people who ate way too much food since mid-November decided they would quit eating food and join the gym and swim and run and cycle and go to yoga and lose 43 pounds. So by the end of the month all anyone remembers about January is that they are so sore they cannot stand, sit, lie or walk and they didn’t lose a damn pound and they spent $399.99 for the mutherdamn gym membership. Altho I did not do that. I’m just guessing.
So anyway, when you’re sitting at the desk paying bills in January thinking about all the damn money someone spent on something they don’t need and keep writing 2011 instead of 2012 and having to cross out the damn check and start over, just take a minute to think about January and how sad it would be if you were January.