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Marathonirritationitis – News Release

As National Spokesperson and Poster Child for the BFOS (sponsored by the Asses of the World Club and the National BFOS Ass.) I am privy to quite a bit of breaking news, research and studies.  Just this morning I was included in the initial release of soon-to-be-published research on Marathonirritationitis.  The study itself was fascinating but probably difficult reading if you are not a specialist or a National Spokesperson and Poster Child.  I’m just saying.  Because I wouldn’t want either of you to try to read it and then feel all frustrated because you couldn’t understand most of the words and then you might feel bad about yourselves.  So I’m just trying to save you from that.  I’ve got your back.

I thought the most interesting part of the study (and this part is also easily understood even by people who are not experts or Poster Childs or National Spokespersons) was when researchers were able to actually observe a victim of Marathonirritationitis in its natural habitat!  In order to do a proper study the photographers integrated themselves into the victim’s natural habitat slowly and were able to capture this photo (below)  I know this might be disturbing to both of you, the violence and the potential harm for the innocent bystanders, but when shooting in any natural habitat the photographers are trained not to intervene, even at the expense of injury to those involved.  One photographer was heard to murmur afterward “I’m sure glad that shoe missed my head.  I need a beer.”

You may find yourself judging these sufferers and perhaps blaming them for bringing it upon themselves.  However, studies have still not determined if the marathoner is actually responsible for their own actions.  There is some thought that the underlying cause (the desire to run a marathon) of Marathonirrirationitis is a genetic pre-disposition to running.  I know.  Crazy talk.  But let us not judge until science has had it’s chance.

Until more is known – and unless they want a divorce or a family reading of their will – loved ones need to remember not to escalate the situation by asking questions like, “Why the H3LL are you doing the damn race, then??”  Just remain in the Safe Position.  If you need to move from the Safe Position – for instance, perhaps you need to go to the bathroom – rise slowly, arms extended to the victim, offering a cold beer.  Avoid eye contact.

Please remember, when seeing the intensity of this photo, that the victim is just that – a victim – they are not at that moment in full control.  They will evidence deep and sincere remorse within the next 48 hours.  In fact, shortly after the filming of this victim, she fell into her spouse’s arms, sobbing.  Researchers think they heard her saying, “Next time I’ll….”

(click on photo for more detail)