Mom was going to go visit the little human PUNKIN this evening. Let me tell you, it does not look the least bit like a PUNKIN or even a pumpkin; it has all the appearances of being a small human, but PUNKIN it is, at least according to mom.
Mom seldom makes sense.
She didn’t go visit the PUNKIN tho because she said her damn butt won’t fall off and it hurts too much to drive and she hopes they block her nerve tomorrow and if not someone is going to hurt. I’m a cat so I’m not a someone so I should be safe. But I can tell you what, she also said something about not getting to have coffee in the morning and I think someone should call for help. Meanwhile probably tomorrow morning Mo and me will be under the bed. Far under the bed. What stupid person told mom no coffee? I will poop in their sink.
Anyway I’ve only been in that horrid car thing with her a few times and I was about to die so maybe I missed some details but I never noticed she drove with her butt.
Anyway, now Murphy the Idiot Dog is howling and barking like a fool, locked into the bedroom so he won’t growl at a bunch of other little humans – little humans who are obviously delusional as they are wearing clothing that makes them appear to be things we all know they aren’t and cannot be. For instance, earlier, some little human came to the door begging for food – and not even healthy food, we have apples on the counter and low fat cottage cheese in the refrigerator but, no, the little human asks for candy and a trick.
I was trying to tell the little human we have no candy and Mom does not allow candy in the house even though that makes her cranky and I think if something makes you cranky you should stop doing it. But, no. She keeps no candy in the house and then opens cupboards looking for candy she already knows isn’t there.
And people think cats don’t make sense.
Anyway, I tried to tell the little human that I knew he was not a spaceman, and that in fact his space suit is made of cheap Chinese plastic and he will suffocate in about 39 seconds if he goes into space wearing that and that second, we have no candy. Mom said, Chunker! Get in the house! like she thought I was heading out for a stroll or something.
Dammit. She’s onto me.
So I looked at her innocently and wrapped myself around her legs purring like all I really wanted was to tell her I love her while she gave the little human idiot who wasn’t a real spaceman: CANDY. Now the little human is going to get rotten teeth and is still delusional that his space suit will keep him from dying in outer space.
Wait. What??? We have CANDY IN THE HOUSE? and I’m putting up with her cranking all the time about how many weeksdayshoursmintuesseconds it’s been since she ran and she could instead be eating chocolate and shutting UP?
The damn dog is making me crazy, the irritating little weenie won’t quit HOWLING and barking. I guess that’s why it’s calling Howling Weenie.
Me and Mo are the only ones in this house with any brains.