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Wild and Crazy. Nothing stopping us now.

I saw Dr. K this morning and my back is definitely better, so I headed out for a slow easy 4 miler in the neighborhood to practice my stride.  Beautiful morning – sunny and breezy, it was great to be outside.  Yesterday afternoon, just to have a reason to be outside in the pretty afternoon sun, I swept leaves.  Carefully, slowly, with my back straight, abs tight.   Just a few leaves.  Someday I’m going to count how many trees we have, I don’t actually know.  I can see 14 just looking out the window over my desk.  We have a lot of trees.  It will take four adult men two days to get rid of these leaves, so my little sweeping of the front porch and sidewalk was just a hobby. Sort of like me doing a slow four miler when some friends did the Mississippi 50K and 50 Miler Saturday…I’ve done 50K a few times – but 50 miles?  Wow.  That is some mental strength for sure.  Plus the 50K friends beat my best time by well over a half hour.

I’ve discovered a really great thing about being on the DL off and on for a few months.  When you get back moving again you’re not in as great shape as you used to be.  You’ve lost efficiency, your aerobic capacity is reduced, and of course you aren’t as strong physically.  So everything takes longer and more energy.  This is a good thing, because, personally, I’ve also got about five extra pounds to get rid of.  The five pounds isn’t so awesome, but the extra energy required right now is; when I got home my Garmin and HR monitor announced proudly that I had burned 538 calories.  When I’m in shape it would be about 400.  So I have a net 138 extra calories burned.


Now I only have 9,862 to go!  YAY!

When I had three boys living at home food pretty much disappeared with little need to remove it from the grocery sack.  If there was anything I wanted to have around more than three hours it had to be hid.  I put my chocolates in an empty feminine products box.  Never once did the boys find those…

Every once in a while I would start getting a craving for one of my favorites  – one of my favorites other than the hidden chocolate, which I had every day. One year Fr. Ernie said it was ‘no fair’ ‘giving up chocolate’ for Lent, you needed to come up with something that would be a reminder of the reason for the Lenten sacrifice, something that would have a daily impact.  I said, I eat chocolate 2 or 3 times a day.  He looked stunned.  What the heck?  Doesn’t everyone eat chocolate 2 or 3 times a day??

My weaknesses back then were Panchos cheese dip with Fritos or a DQ Peanut Buster Parfait.  There was never a specific reason;  I’d be vacuuming or looking for the missing sock in each load of laundry when suddenly my brain would announce “PANCHOS” or “PEANUT BUSTER PARFAIT!”

I’d wait for the perfect day – kids all at school, maybe I was extra hungry or I’d been busy shopping and was tired and I would get the DQ, or buy the Panchos and have it for lunch, that’s all, just the cheese dip and Fritos.  Then I was done and I’d leave the rest for the kids.

More recently my favorite blowout has been Taco Bell.  (hahahaha playground snickering, “blowout” “Taco Bell”)  An enchirito and a mexican pizza.  I eat the enchirito first, then the pizza.  I eat the enchirito first because then I cut the pizza carefully into quarters with the handle of the Spork; apparently people who frequent Taco Bell cannot be trusted with plastic knives.  Or spoons.  Or forks.  Just Sporks.  So you can see that otherwise I’d have Taco Bell all over the handle of the Spork if I ate the pizza first and that would be messy.  I use one package of mild sauce per quarter.  All washed down with a diet Dr. Pepper with just a bit of real Dr. Pepper on top because, of course.  What else is there?

The biggest issue I have with losing weight (really, what is not to like about losing a few extra pounds, right?) is the eating less part.  I don’t know about you two, but I think someone missed the ball when He was up there in Heaven creating calories.  I plan to discuss this with Him but not right away.  I’m willing to wait a bit for the talk.

Also I’m going to ask him what the hell – wait, can I say “what the hell” to Him?

I’m thinking.

I think, yes.  Yes, I can.  If anyone ever proves there’s a scoreboard I’ll quit cussing, but until then it’s open season on the swear words.  As evidenced by miles 10-13 of the Oxford Half.

So I’m going to also ask Him what the hell was He thinking when He made mosquitoes or arranged for their evolution or however it happened that things worked out.  Seriously?  Mosquitoes??  Probably it will turn out, at the end of time as we know it, that mosquitoes were actually the Super Glue of the cosmos and held everything together, and here I am, bashing them.  Then I’m going to be all like, OK then.  Sorry.  Please don’t bite me.  And I will be forced to fight them all off with a Spork.

To encourage myself to eat less and lose five pounds I announced publicly to Becky that when I lost five pounds we would have Taco Bell.  Being a good sport Becky acted like Taco Bell would be awesome.  The day arrived!  I texted: “BECKY!  TACO BELL!”

I was SOOOOO excited.  I’m wild and crazy.  There is NO stopping me!  We swam first and I was so hungry!  I’d burned even more calories since I’d weighed!  This was going to be incredible!  TACO BELL!  ENCHIRITO! MEXICAN PIZZA!!!  SPORKS!!!!

I was giddy with excitement.  I clasped my hands excitedly.  The lady at the register looked at me oddly.  “I know what I want!” I announced.  Becky perused the menu, but I couldn’t wait and maybe I did a little skip up to the counter.  The lady behind the register looked at me oddly.  I placed my order and described my Diet Dr. Pepper with the little bit of real Dr. Pepper on top.  The lady behind the register … looked at me … oddly.  I was starting to wonder if not everyone is as pleased to be at Taco Bell as I was.

Isn’t that sad to think?  Not everyone is happy to go to Taco Bell?

nah.  It’s gotta be something else.

I tell you what:  that enchirito and mexican pizza were awesome.  I felt so happily guilty, my diet blow-out, my wild and crazy diet reward, it was doubly sweet.

The next day Becky and I were working out with Killer.  I described to Killer in minute detail the awesome Taco Bell reward we’d celebrated the day before.  Calories be DAMNED!  We were unstoppable!  We threw caution not just to the winds but to the hurricanes!  Swept away!  Washed ashore in a distant land!

“Yeah.  So, about that big celebration?” Becky asked.  “I looked it up.  Your enchirito and mexican pizza?  470 calories, crazy woman.  Way to blow it out.”


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10 thoughts on “Wild and Crazy. Nothing stopping us now.

  1. I still maintain the world became a poorer place when Taco Bell started cheaping out leaving the black olives off the Encheritos. AND the pizzas!

    Having said that: I am THRILLED to know my two favorite things on their menu TOGETHER are less than 500 calories!! Guess who’s going to Taco Bell the next five pounds she loses? That’s right. This girl. You have inspired me!

  2. I have been known to horde sauce packets from TB in my ‘hand bag’ (read ‘purse’) for a future date like some elderly lady wrapping her leftovers in a napkin. Or so my husband tells me.
    Good stuff,

  3. Paula Taylor on said:

    OMG, a bean burrito and a chicken soft taco, and I am in heaven. I could eat Taco Bell every day. I just discovered their wonderfulness a couple of years ago, and have been hooked ever since. How did I make it through my college years and never eat at Taco Bell? That still baffled me (I’m 40 now).

  4. OMG! This post is hilarious. I wish I could lose 5 lbs, but like in a week. I’m so impatient. Cussing to The Lord? Well….who knows you better? He’ll probably laugh at you too.

    • Thanks! Yes, I’d like to lose it in a week. I probably almost could, too, if I’d eat clean and exercise daily. What kind of crazy talk that is, I don’t know. Someone needs to invent calorie-free wine.

      Yes, poor God. I know He sighs whenever He hears from me. Thankfully He’s God, so He pretty much understands me.

  5. OK, I’ll skip the Taco Bell issue cuz I’m a Taco John’s kinda girl–gimme a beef and bean burrito any day! THE issue is that you are taking up the issue I’ve always planned to discuss with God: mosquitoes. I guess they are the eternal question! I’m glad you came up with a possible good reason for their existence. I hate them. However, I remember reading once about how certain viruses are not transmitted by the little beasts but killed inside their…whatevers…thoraxes? thorasses?!! Anyway, killing viruses (another of God’s great mysteries) is a good reason to investigate their thorasses.

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