Hunkering down with Chunker or how I learned I do, indeed, have two Brains
Chunker Munker and I have not had the best of weeks and it’s all my fault. She is very happy to agree with that and seems pleased to lay the blame squarely at my feet; she isn’t enjoying life to the fullest following a long overdue visit to the vet. Mo, the little sweetheart, sadly went along with the plan with a minimum of argument as I shoved the unwilling little things into their carrying cases and off we went. Quiet little Mo evidenced a new side when we got in the car and he became extremely verbal about the situation, even resisting the vet which surprised me. Chunk acted resigned until we got home.
I opened the carrier and she scrambled out like it was on fire. I opened Mo’s, he jumped out and headed toward Chunk to share misery.
The little witch turned on him, soundly smacking him in the head repeatedly while yowling and hissing. I yelled “CHUNKER!” and she turned on me, then poor Murphy crossed her path and she tried to smack him, arching, hissing, yowling. Dammit, girl. We gave her wide berth. She was pissed off all night and half the next day, jumping, hissing, howling every time someone moved. At first I thought it was because Mo and I smelled like the vet but by the next day and a change of clothing that seemed iffy.
I think she was insulted and embarrassed by the vet and taking it out on us.
I have to say, I would not be happy having my weight control issues discussed openly in front of my mom and an entire office full of staff people. It has seemed to me lately that she’s getting a bit … fluffier, but I ignored it.
Yeah, no kidding. She’s gained over 2 pounds since last year. That’s a 16% weight gain.
Ooops. My bad. Apparently feeding on demand is not going to remain an option. We will not mention whether I feed my own self on demand or not. Do as I say, not as I do has been a fine motto to live by.
I told the vet my unsuccessful attempts to get her to play and that I’m feeding them both indoor cat weight control food. He said that it’s possible her metabolism has gone into protect mode and is slowing down. Interesting thought. He told me about a new food that somehow increases metabolism and I bought a small bag. I trust the vet, I’ve known him for 20 years but I still felt a little bit like I’d just bought a vacuum cleaner at my front door.
I mixed the food half/half with their old food and started the new menu Friday evening. Sunday evening Chunker walked up to me and started batting at my legs, skittering around. Eh? what are you doing, little girl? She jumped around a bit more. I pulled out a toy. She started jumping to catch it, chasing it, crouching, attacking.
Well who are you and where is my kitty? It’s been a couple weeks now, I don’t think she’s lost any weight but she’s like a kitten again, chasing the laser light, running through the house with Mo, playing.
So I’m going to be doing some thinking on this metabolism idea; I know it will slow if enough calories are not consumed regularly.
Our bodies are designed to protect us, I know that.
In fact I got a really great lesson in that just this month. Yay. I always like learning new things.
I’m lying. I do not like learning new things. I like staying in my own little comfort zone doing the things I like to do. I want my life wrapped in my squishy soft blankie in my awesome plaid bell bottom fleece pants and Chocolate Glazed Donut in my coffee cup. I prefer being closed-minded and I want you all to shut up, most particularly the ones inside my head.
But, there you go. Catch 22. Which I read when I was in high school. I was home, sick, cuddled in bed (I did not own awesome plaid fleece bell bottoms at the time or I’d have been wearing them) and as sick as I was, reading that book I started laughing out loud. My mom came running down the hallway. “Are you OK!?” She apparently thought I was choking.
Maj. Major Major Major: Sergeant, from now on, I don’t want anyone to come in and see me while I’m in my office. Is that clear?
First Sgt. Towser: Yes, sir? What do I say to people who want to come in and see you while you’re gone?
Maj. Major Major Major: Tell them I’m in and ask them to wait.
First Sgt. Towser: For how long?
Maj. Major Major Major: Until I’ve left.
First Sgt. Towser: And then what do I do with them?
Maj. Major Major Major: I don’t care.
First Sgt. Towser: May I send people in to see you after you’ve left?
Maj. Major Major Major: Yes.
First Sgt. Towser: You won’t be here then, will you?
Maj. Major Major Major: No.
First Sgt. Towser: I see, sir. Will that be all?
Maj. Major Major Major: Also, Sergeant, I don’t want you coming in while I’m in my office asking me if there’s anything you can do for me. Is that clear?
First Sgt. Towser: Yes, sir. When should I come in your office and ask if there’s anything I can do for you?
Maj. Major Major Major: When I’m not there.
First Sgt. Towser: What do I do then?
Maj. Major Major Major: Whatever has to be done.
First Sgt. Towser: Yes, sir.
There are days right now that I feel a bit like Chunk when she jumped out of the carrier, I really feel like yowling howling and smacking random people crossing my path and I don’t want anyone let into my office until I’m not here. My back is on strike. This happened once four years ago and lasted for three months. I could not reach my feet to put on my shoes, my back in nearly constant spasm.
I went to see Dr. W. He walked in and I slowly stood. “What happened??” he asked.
“I’m not sure, but last time this happened it lasted three months,” I said, with a little catch in my voice. OMGod in Heaven, Little Baby Jesus in the hay with the cows DO NOT let me go through last year again.
“I’m not doing any steroids.” I announced.
“Oh, no – nope, this isn’t lasting three months and we’re not doing any steroids,” he intoned.
He sounded so serious that I actually believed him.
He did a little poking and prodding, a little stretching and showed me a small back extension/crunch I was to do 10 times as often as possible throughout the day, then hooked me up to the machine which is like something from Heaven, electrodes taped to my back shocking the sh*t out of the damn muscles and I hope they are sorry they ever started this. Damn muscles. I know I said that twice. Damn muscles.
When everything was done I stood to leave and bounced down the hallway like I was drunk. Why am I thinking of Florida? Anyway, I was walking and my back was not screaming like a girl, damn wussy little back. Waaa waa waa.
Over the past 2-1/2 weeks the visits have stretched from 2 days apart to a week. This week I was able to go three miles, jogging 2/10’s of a mile 9 times with a 1/10th mile walk between. Dr. W said things should return to normal quickly.
Apparently, however, phoning in the core workouts is no longer an option and I am newly committed to the stretches and core work – planks, side planks, glutes, hip flexors because what done did happen, as they say in the south, is I outran my core’s ability to function and when that happened Brain 2, the Idiot, shut the entire system down. Done, stupid Brain 2 said, and turned on the electricity. Meanwhile Brain 1 and I are arguing that everything is fine and would you please quit trying to be the boss??
It makes sense though. Metabolism compromised? Start protecting. Muscles being damaged? Start protecting. It is incredible to me that our minds actually take care of us when we think we’re the ones in charge. I’m running along thinking I’m in control of my body while, in fact, the very brain with which I’m thinking everything is copacetic is doing something else against my wishes.
Yossarian: Ok, let me see if I’ve got this straight. In order to be grounded, I’ve got to be crazy. And I must be crazy to keep flying. But if I ask to be grounded, that means I’m not crazy anymore, and I have to keep flying.
Dr. ‘Doc’ Daneeka: You got it, that’s Catch-22.
(If you’d like to read more about how fatigue – overdoing it – leads to poor form and results in injury, check this out: http://thefunctionalgolfer.blogspot.com)