Yesterday rubber band legs, this morning I can’t walk and I think everything from the top of my hips to the top of my knees has solidified into cement – cement which can feel pain. Cement which I believe may have become sentient and seems to be making its own decisions, and I’m rather concerned. For instance I just went to get more coffee and the cement which used to be muscles, tissues and bones decided it didn’t care about coffee or not and will be damned if we are going to pick up our knees and set our foot on the next stair. So there we stood at an impasse, me gazing forlornly at the kitchen floor, only 6 steps above me, the kitchen with my most awesome Cuisinart Grind ‘n Brew, the Shrine of coffee heavenliness, the holder of all that is best about the world of 4:30am, the heady smell of caffeine wafting down toward me, out of reach…never again to know the goodness of that nirvana…*sob*
“MOVE YOU DAMN LEGS, I SAY: MOVE!” I entreat my legs. I exhort them to remember me, the one who has always fed them, massaged them (ok, fine, whenever I remember the foam roller. Once a month is good, seriously, guys, I’m trying here), the one who, in high school, resorted to wearing men’s button-fly Levis because nothing else came in a 32” inseam and you two looked like idiots in those high-water jeans I found at Sears. Consider all I’ve done for you, and you can’t get up the stairs for A FREEKING CUP OF COFFEE OH MY GAWD I NEED COFFEE.
This concerns me on a couple levels. For one thing I could eventually starve to death down here because all we have is a bedroom/office, a bathroom, and a den. None of these rooms contain anything edible unless I finally get so hungry that the vanilla lotion in the bathroom, in my hunger-crazed mind, begins to resemble a vanilla shake. In a plastic bottle with a squirt top. Hey, they could be putting vanilla shakes in bottles with squirt tops – you don’t know.
Secondly, and I don’t think either of you actually realize this, but I’ve long had a carefully hidden fear of zombie attack. This possibility is real and the world doesn’t pay any attention to it. Why do you think I run so much? So I can wear this t-shirt (below) which informs you “if zombies attack, I’m tripping you” and I can stay ahead of the rest of you zombie fodder. But now: I’m stuck downstairs, weakening moment by moment, nothing to eat, no coffee to keep me from dozing off and the next thing I know, I could be under Zombie attack and helpless to save myself with my useless damn legs on strike.
And still you scoff. There are no zombies you two say, snorting your coffee out your noses while you laugh at me (serves you right I hope your nose burns all day long and that is a horrid waste of good coffee, by the way). Now I offer you this helpful chart (below) so when the zombies DO attack – and they will – you might have a chance of survival unless I’m near you in which case I will certainly outrun you and leave you for zombie fodder. (DAMN LEGS, AGAIN I SAY: MOVE!!)
16. RE: Zombie Behavior
Let’s enter the brain of a ZED.
1) Is there prey around that I can see?
yes…..go to 2
no…….go to 3
2) Go toward the prey, is something in the way?
yes…..go to 4
no ……keep going
3) Is there prey that I can hear?
yes…..go to 2
no…….go to 5
4) Can I go over or around it?
no…….go to 6
5) Is there prey I can smell?
yes…..go to 2
6) If I pound on it for a considerable amount of time, is it weakening?
no…….go to 1
And it cycles through this list at a persistent pace.
But, no. With all this proof still you scoff. I know. I can hear you with my super sensitive Zombie hearing. OK then, check this out: http://www.bt.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies.asp
Yes. The GOVERNMENT is aware of the Zombies and you aren’t. Who are you going to trust? Yourself? Or the Government?
Got you now, huh?!
I immediately purchased the following items which I secured in a secure place in the house so I would be safe when the Zombies come even though neither of you believe me, nor do you actually care, so when the Zombies do figure out the answer to #6 (above) and the answer is yes and the answer is you it won’t be me and as long as I have the coffee pot, the book and the emergency kit I will be fine and you will be Zombie fodder.
Additionally I will have food to eat:
And Cat will have toys to play with:
While you two run down the street screaming for help which will never come:
Don’t say I didn’t tell you. If the TN Dept. of Transportation can figure out there are Zombies (and they can’t even figure out if there is an accident or road closing when a semi is upside down in the middle of the freeway) then you are in serious trouble and it is not my fault..