Dust in the Wind
Here I am in my second full day of unemployment, surprised to find that nothing I thought I’d immediately accomplish has happened. The stockings I intend to needlepoint have not even been purchased, the Christmas tree still sparkles, and the vacuum cleaner sits in the hallway on the main floor where it was put to rest after finishing the upstairs over 24 hours ago.
I find (as I’d expected) that I feel slightly aimless in this transition time, unanchored and uninspired. The past several months have been a time of introspection, looking back on my life and looking forward. How do I want to live as I move forward? Who is the person I want to work toward being? What needs to be done to accomplish this?
Adding to this rumination is the fact that I will be entering a new decade of life next year. Not only am I not overjoyed by the fact, I’m even less overjoyed than the overjoyed I wouldn’t be anyway, due to the fact that until about a month ago I thought I was a year younger than I am. This makes my previous argument with myself, i.e. “get your head out of your a$$, you have two years before that happens” completely ineffectual and entirely untrue.
I did, however, run 6-1/2 miles yesterday and seven today. The 6-1/2 yesterday were the coldest I’ve ever done, 11 degrees with wind that burned my face raw. I ran a some alone first, then met Becky for four. While we ran we talked about everything, as runners do.
As today’s morning passed so did the heavy grey clouds, eventually leaving the sky a bright winter-pale blue, the sun glinting on the lake. I bundled up, at the last minute grabbing my Shuffle – something I rarely do – thinking perhaps I didn’t want silence today. A mile into the run I turned it on, even more rare, and as I rounded the corner I saw this the same moment “Dust in the Wind” started.
I close my eyes
Only for a moment and the moment’s gone
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes with curiosity
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
Same old song
Just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do
Crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see
(Aa aa aa)
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
Oh, ho, ho
Now don’t hang on
Nothin’ lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away
And all your money won’t another minute buy
Dust in the wind
All we are is dust in the wind
(All we are is dust in the wind)
Dust in the wind
(Everything is dust in the wind)
Everything is dust in the wind
(In the wind)
(Ooo)
(Ooo)
(Ooo)
Now don’t hang on
Nothin’ lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away
And all your money won’t another minute buy
Seven days ago I was surrounded by the sounds of my adult children, cooking, joking, playing with their son/nephew. I’m still freshly missing them, and knew I didn’t want solitude today. I didn’t realize how impacted I would be by the first words and voices I would hear in my silent morning.
I know someone who seems to hate their job, yet they go into their office every weekend. When they go on vacation they spend half their time on the phone, usually upset, or on the computer, again, usually upset. Or so it seems to me. Of course, I’m judging from what I observe, not knowing for certain, which is one of the things I’m trying to quit doing. You see that’s working well so far.
I didn’t hate my job at all – I had the good fortune of dealing with people who are consuming as a hobby what I helped provide, so they tended to be pretty easy-going for the most part. Plus, they’re runners. If they do get upset they go for a run and get over it. I also had the incredibly good fortune of working for a local non-profit which usually assures you don’t have a salary you cannot live without, so if you are questioning the direction your life is taking the impact is largely minimal. I would not have the luxury of retiring before 65 if I were contributing most of the income, something I’m deeply aware of.
Now don’t hang on
Nothin’ lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away
And all your money won’t another minute buy
Unless I’m struck down suddenly, sooner or later (I’m aiming for later, in case this concerns you) a day will come when I will lie in a bed, at the end of my time, and all the money in the world won’t another minute buy.
As I move forward in the journey of my life do I want to see only the grey? Or do I want to see as much sun as possible, glinting onto the path, lighting the day and my way?
How do I want to spend these minutes I’m left? Do I want to remember grievances from years or decades past? Do I want to continue to allow pathways of negative or harmful thinking (they don’t, they never, I can’t, I don’t…) dig themselves deeper and deeper, creating impassable canals of rutted, rotten thinking in my brain?
Do I want only to take from this world, my life, my family, or do I want to try in some way to add?
What truly has value here, in my life, in each day, in the world wherein I live?
What can I put into this world today instead of wondering what today and the world will give me?
All my dreams
Pass before my eyes with curiosity
What can I do – how can I do it? – to make sure those dreams passing before my eyes for the last time will bring tears of joy and love instead of anguish, regret, and sorrow?
Figuring that out – that’s my real job.
Run. Dog. Cat. Cat. Me. 