…when I left the house for thirty minutes to help a desperate friend in need.
Chunker and Murphy will be spending some hours in time out. And I’ve taken away their phones so don’t bother trying to text them.
Becky and I both work from home, alone in our lonely, cold garrets, surrounded by wadded up Taco Bell wrappers and discarded K-cups, huddled in the chill in our pajama pants and Uggs, wearing our favorite sweatshirt emblazoned YIPPY SKIPPY RUN 2001, the fleece covered with pilled lumps of thread, talking to pretend people on Facebook and blogging with our animals who are treated better than any child ever was.
Becky’s job requires actual work, as opposed to mine, and she has to type many very big words that have a lot of the alphabet in each one and include many z’s, x’s and y’s – which are the hardest keys to find, you know, stuck down in the corner of the keyboard like an afterthought.
After 7 straight hours of transcription Becky sat back, stretched, and her eyeballs fell out onto her desk. She managed to find them although she did accidentally knock one off onto the floor and it rolled under the credenza which took her a while; she finally slid it out with a yardstick. She wandered crookedly into the kitchen for a cup of coffee to help wipe the cobwebs from her addled brain.
Her brain intoned, “I spy with our dusty little eye that we only have three K-cups. This is nowhere near enough to fill the IV bag.” Then her brain started to scream, “NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Becky wandered back to her desk, frightened and alone, all alone with only Brain and three K-cups in the house. “I only have three K-cups to last me until tomorrow. Good-bye. I loved you all.” she typed to her imaginary friends on FB.
I’LL SAVE YOU! I replied! and I leapt or lept or leaped in my trusty Explorer, Babs, and brought her coffee and saved her life and that of her family and probably several neighbors! I was a hero! News Channel Zippy wanted to interview me! But I’m humble and loving and giving and told the reporter than I needed no reward or recognition for saving my friend, her family, the neighborhood and, probably, actually, the world.
And you know the rest of the story. I left the computer open in my haste and apparently Chunker and Murphy had a little verbal sparring contest with my blog. I apologize and I would make them write an apology too but I believe they would enjoy that too much.
Flush with her success, Chunk has become a terror today. I heard a faint mewing and tracked her down in the closet, on a pile of boxes, trying to climb up and walk across the hangers. When she saw me she jumped down and wandered regally down the hallway. “What? There’s nothing to see here,” her tail twitched. She jumped up on the bathroom counter so fast she skidded into Mo, knocking him into the sink. Ignoring him, she then tried to grab my arm to turn on the water, which I did just so I could watch her shove her snooty nose in the air and jump back down. She’s terrorized Mo, attacked the bedskirt, tried to eat the fern then turned, jumped on the desk and slid to the other side falling off onto the chair, smacked Murphy on the nose for no reason whatsoever and then, when I came upstairs to work, I found this:
And her royal highness, seated on my laptop, was searching online:
Apparently she either needs glasses or needs to dust her eyeballs because she had enlarged the screen. And she doesn’t seem to know exactly how to spell oy vey, but I have a feeling I know what her next comments about me were going to be.